We’ve arrived home after a 2.5 month stint abroad with the kids. We made our way from California, Michigan, New York City, Israel, Turkey, back to California and finally landed home in Arizona last week. I consider myself very lucky to be able to travel with my children. Lucky for the means, the mindset, and the super-father partner that is my husband. It’s not easy bouncing through time zones with an infant and 4-year-old-going-on-14. But we just do it — and that Nike tagline is truly the magic phrase. Don’t think about the logistics too much. Stay present. Just Do It.
Coming home, I find myself falling back into routine, which includes a routine of the mind. Do you recognize those? For me, it’s a routine of stress thoughts. And it all comes down to time. The ticking clock is my greatest stress inducer. From the moment I wake up, there seems to be 5 million things to do at once. Coffee, Rain’s lunch, feed Liv, change diaper, make breakfast, brush teeth (mine and the kid’s), bathroom, get dressed, play a game, get out the door in time for preschool. Today was the first day back in the game — and side note: it was magnificent. Both for Rain, and for me — because somehow I have finally eased into a faith where I am so darn excited for his life without me. Mostly, I can’t wait for him to come home and tell me about his experience of the world — the one that I am not a part of. My son is officially his own person and lately, that’s just really exciting. Another life perspective to share and be a part of. Anyways…
In the midst of all my self-induced house-wife and motherhood mind stress, I realized that today, I simply can’t function like this anymore. It’s taking all the pleasure out of my life, out of my mothering. The truth is that whether there are actually a million things to do at once or not, I’ve realized it’s an unconscious mentality choice. Because even when there is just one thing to do, I’ve witnessed my mind regretting over the fact that I’m not doing something else. For example, an hour ago, there was just one thing to do: the dishes. Previously, I would stand over the dishes totally out of my body and completely in my head thinking thinking thinking about how much i would rather be writing this post. How the clock is ticking to 10pm. How I should really be getting to bed. But I have this post to write. And damnit, instead I’m stuck doing the dishes. Stress stress stress to do them quicker. Get them done. Get this post written. All before the clock strikes 10.
You see, over these past couple months of being away from the housework and real-life routine, I became clear on a few very important things: I want to live a life of pleasure. I want every moment to be a blossoming of true joy. And I came to the realization that this “in-joy”ment is actually a self manifestation. It’s not about the WHAT, it’s about the HOW. Joy and pleasure are things that stem from presence and intimacy with life. They stem from paying attention on purpose, non-judgmentally, with the intention for mindfulness and equanimity. Whatever it is that I’m doing in this moment, I want to enjoy it. That means that the internal and the external life must come together. Most of the time, especially in the thick of motherhood and stay at home mom-ing, the internal and external are at odds.
So, this mantra and affirmation popped into my head today:
There is nothing else you should be doing. This is it.
As I reminded myself of that, my internal resistance to the moment relaxed and then…surrendered. I gave myself permission to be here, totally fulfilled by whatever this moment entailed. Dishes, diaper changing, lunch making, all of it. This moment of life, whatever it was, became intimate and full of pleasure - exactly where I was, just as it was.
This is something profound for me. Because inside I am full of ambition and big dreams, and perfectionism and self-shaming ensue much of the time when I find that voice inside telling me that I’m “stuck” being a mother because I’m not doing my dreams. It’s one of the major reasons I started writing here and why I named it Be Mother, in fact. Because I’m on a journey of turning motherhood into my art. But the problem is that most moments of the day, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I WANT to be a full time mother. I dont want to miss a single opportunity to take care of my children physically, mentally, spiritually. And yet, I also want to take steps towards my own personal dreams. The ones I planted seeds for before motherhood. The seeds of which were planted when I myself was a child.
Still, I refuse to believe that the universe is cruel. I believe that the universe is me, and if the universe gives up on my dreams, it’s because deep inside, I have. Luckily - that’s not the case. And luckily, time is some silly illusion we’ve made up. A day is like a life. In the morning you are born, you are awake. In the night, you die to the day, tired and exhausted from it all. Time is relative, a full life is relative. You get what I’m saying?
So instead, I’m holding my dreams and intention for pleasure up high and also affirming that this is my life right now and there is a good reason for it: I am Mother. Full time. All the way. And there is divine mystery in that. I can’t see the future but I can trust that this is an important part of the art manifesting and coming together. I am Mother. Full time. And while that means that I can’t go to cooking school, or easily attain an MFA or start and complete yoga teacher training, it also means that I have to find a way to sprinkle my pleasure and intimacy with life into my mothering. It’s the only way. It is my life. At least right now.
So, here I am - writing into just a quarter past 10. And I’m going to affirm that there’s nothing else I should be doing. I am here, exactly where I am meant to be, pursuing a very deep pleasure now that the kids are asleep.
That’s the update after a good month hiatus.
I leave you with a very sweet capture of Rain offering Liv her second ever cup of water today.
You are not lost. There is nothing else you should be doing, except this.
With great pleasure,
Paulina